We ask a clinical psychologist if it's ever OK to meddle with your kid's class selection.
Class lists – who your child will be with, and the teacher they
will have for the following year, are a popular topic of conversation at this
time of the year, as term four is well and truly underway and these decisions
are being made. The decision of class allocation is usually made by the school;
often the teachers and other staff who have taught
your child this year, and the teachers from the following year
level – who will teach them the next year – will decide your child’s classmates
and who will be their primary teacher.
For some kids (and some parents) this can be an anxiety
fuelled process. The idea of change can make many children feel
uncomfortable, the knowledge that they will not have their best friends and the
teacher they have grown familiar with can create a sense of insecurity, worry,
or anxiety. For some parents, the loss of control about the environment their
child will spend the majority of their time in can also create the same
feelings within them, especially if they have strong feelings about their
potential teacher or classmates.
So, the question is, as a parent do you interfere with the usual
process of class selection? Do you request a particular teacher or other
students for your child to be with (or not to be with) the following year?
Dr Judith Locke, a clinical psychologist, former teacher and
author of parenting book, The
Bonsai Child, says a firm no. Class placements should be made by
the school and not influenced by parents.
“There is an emphasis on making children happy, where immediate
feelings are prioritised over long time gain,” Dr Locke says.
She argues that parents will often try and solve a child’s worry
about change by stepping in and asking for a ‘solution’ to the issue, in this
case by requesting their child be put in the class with a particular person or
with a specific teacher. She says though that this isn’t the solution to the
problem, because it’s the feeling of worry or anxiety about change that is the
real problem. This is what needs to be looked at and worked on in its own
right; requesting particular people or conditions will not help solve the real
issue, she argues.
Dr Locke actually believes trying to make kids happy, by
controlling particular situations or environments like school classes, can
actually do more harm than good.
“When parents constantly make things immediately better, by
allowing their child to get out of situations they are a little unsure of, then
the child will start to believe they truly can’t cope with challenge, because
their parent’s actions reinforce this belief. Inadvertently, over time, the
child’s anxiety, bossiness, or poor behaviour will increase,” she says.
“Don’t cater to everything [children] want. You can’t dictate
terms forever, you need to look deeper,” Dr Locke says.
This idea of need versus want is really important in Dr Locke’s
perspective. Children want to be with their friends and they want a particular
teacher, but they don’t need it. Catering to their wants to solve their feeling
of insecurity or anxiety about class changes won’t actually solve the problem
she argues, but it can create an even bigger problem in the long term.
“Inadvertent catering to all that your children ‘want’ can make
them ‘need’ it,” she says.
In relation to class choices, this can mean that if parents
request particular friends or teachers for their child to be with, their child
will end up unable to cope when they are eventually without this particular
friend or teacher.
“The main issue is that when you allow someone to always dictate
the terms then you don’t teach them that they can cope when things aren’t
exactly the way they want. This action reinforces a child’s faulty belief that
they need to be in charge, or experience particular outcomes, to be able to
cope,” she explains.
“Schools have good reasons for putting children in particular
classes and parents need to support this,” she adds.
Dr Locke believes that this applies to the majority of children,
with very few exceptions. “Although my advice is directed to the majority I
still like to ask the question to parents of children who believe their kids
are ‘different’ – at what point will you let them experience the real world? If
not now, when?”
Dr Locke believes that the best way for all children to learn
about the real world, and to be adequately prepared for it, is by learning that
change is inevitable and to be able to handle this change. She identifies
flexibility, working in groups, and working with a range of people as essential
skills for their future and believes these skills are learnt through the
process of class transitions. Learning to work with a range of people with
different personalities equip them better for their future so learning this
from a young age undoubtedly assists with this, she says.
If your child is worried by the process of changing class, Dr
Locke believes speaking with them, listening to them, and providing your own
examples of how you coped with change in your own life are great ways to help
support your child through the process. Trying to influence it by particular
requests are not.
https://www.mamamia.com.au/school-class-selection-teacher/